the non-update - updated

Still swimming in the land of waiting. I'm getting all pruned and wrinkly over here.

At least today is CD1.

Why is that a good thing? Well, when I finally, FINALLY got a return phone call from our nurse (after really pushing things with her and our coordinator), she just said they were waiting for the other recipient to get her period (and how hard would it have been to reply to one of my 4 emails with those 8-10 words?). And then she told me to arrange my meds so I too would get my period this week. Emailed it in this morning. I will follow-up with a phone call in the next hour.

Right now, we are not too happy with this clinic.

I am holding on to the very important fact that this won't matter once we/if we hold our baby in our arms in the future. We won't look back and bitch about how much they made us wait and kept us in the dark. We will rejoice that we finally have a baby.

But right now, we are not happy with this clinic.

It's just that they seemed much more responsive before we paid them the sum total for the treatment. And I know they are not going to take the money and run, but it just feel like we got relegated to the bottom of the priority list because we are now a captive audience. That pisses off Mr. A to no end. I am typically the one in conversations to try and look at mitigating factors and reserve judgment of our experience with this clinic until we have gone through more of the process with them. But right now, I'm just venting to you, dear readers.

In other news, I'm on a cleanse. You might think this involves giving up coffee and consuming lots of wheat grass and shit. No. My coffee consumption has gone up, in fact. I think my birthday did me in. On that day, I ordered a full octane coffee. In my head, I just said fuck it: This is a terrible day and I need all the caffeine I can have to get through it. Bitter old woman that I am. Anyway, I'm on a fac.ebook cleanse. It's been about 10 days since I've logged on and so far, I'm happy with my decision. It was prompted by a personal email (on fb) from an IRL friend who wanted to let me know of her pregnancy ahead of the big announcement. Thanks. Did I need to also read the status updates from her and her husband, and see the darn u/s pics that would shortly follow? No. The kicker is that I performed their marriage ceremony last fall. The other kicker is that they announced their engagement within a day of when I had the m/c, and got all agitated when I didn't reply fast enough to their big news. Hum, excuse me while I have a D&C. Anyways, I could keep bitching about this couple, but it's not really getting me anywhere. I just meant to say that this was the precipitating event. I'm not sure how long I'll do this cleanse, but for now, it's been helpful. Fb is incredibly masochistic when you are infertile and in your thirties. It's time to be on my own team.

I took to heart the letter I wrote myself and published in my last post. I really did. I think this cleanse is part of it. I'll get back to the reduced caffeine consumption soon. I have a hike planned on the weekend, a visit with friends, and some gardening. Clawing myself out of this hole one centimetre at a time.

**I just got a call from the nurse - apparently phoning in gets you a reply must more quickly - who said that the other recipient has not yet started her period. This means we are in a holding pattern until further notice. Luckily, I've really become an expert on waiting.