I am pregnant

Can you believe it? I guess it's easier for you on the outside, but for me, I have to get used to it several times a day. It fills me with awe.

We went to Pleasantville General Hospital for the ultrasound yesterday. The last time we had to go there was for the D&C. We got there and Mr. A just said "I hate this parking lot - such bad memories." Yes, I had been thinking about that the entire drive to the hospital. Out of the elevator and into the corridor: a left turn leads into the day surgery area. A right turn leads to the diagnostic imaging clinic. We turned left last time, and right this time.

A lovely ultrasound tech took me into the room, and told me right away that she could see the baby and the heartbeat. My eyes still filled up. It's always a very intense moment for me, waiting to hear if the baby is still alive. She had a hard time taking all her measurements because apparently, we have a wiggly gummy. It's absolutely amazing to see this little being move around so much of his or her own volition. She asked if Mr. A was tall, because the baby has very long limbs. I'm actually the one known for her long limbs (I'm 5'10" with a short torso), but I had no genetic say in the creation of this baby. So we'll go with Mr. A (who is about 5'11". Our donor stands at 5'6" - so also not short). It made me wish I could call Sophie and tell her this.

When Mr. A was invited to join us, he asked right away about the SCHs. She replied that she would need to let the doctor talk to us about that. She quickly followed that by saying that is was very common, and that it wasn't much to worry about. She added that it's a concern when the SCH are bigger than the gestational sac, which, when we reflected on it later, thought she said that because the SCHs she saw weren't that big. Nothing in her nonverbal language, noted Mr. A, said that she was concerned or alarmed. Of course, we'll have to see what kind of phone call I get from the doctor on Monday. But right now, I feel very pregnant.

Still no maternity clothes. Some of my roomier pants and skirts still fit well. I know that isn't going to last, but I figure I still have a few weeks. For now, I am focusing all of my time at home on studying for my second licensing exam, which is on September 24. Lots of updates from work to share, but that will have to wait for a different post. 
 

dark clouds on the horizon

What was that - 16 hours - of feeling confident and beginning to believe in this pregnancy. I was sitting at work this morning, 9:37am and my cell phone rings. It's my GP's office. The office staff asks if I can come in right now. RIGHT NOW? I'm at work, I said (work is a good hour's drive away from Pleasantville). She offers me the possibility of talking to the doctor on the phone instead. Sure, that would be helpful. Then I get put on hold. The blood drains from my head. My heart pounds. I close my office door and start pacing (thank god my office mate wasn't in).

After an eternity, the office staff comes back on the line. The doctor is busy with a patient and can she call me back. Of course. She tells me the doctor said it's nothing to panic about.

yeah, right.

I go into a meeting (a meeting that's already started) and as I'm being directed to a chair, the phone rings and I have to excuse myself. [Oh the intersection of infertility and work. There's a whole book waiting to be written about that.] Dr. Lovely (that's what I'll call her from now on, my lovely family doctor who has been so good to me) tells me I have 2 subchorionic hematomas: one large one (6.9cm) and one smaller one (2.9cm). Nothing to do now, she says. She put a call in to the OB's she's referred me to, in order to ask what recommendations she should make. She just said not to exercise too intensely. No more stairclimbing at the gym, only flat walking. She said to call in when/if I start bleeding, noting that she'd want to do an ultrasound at that point.

I want to believe that this won't end the pregnancy, but I know it can. I also know that it has happened to many of you, and that you've come through it with babes in arms. I just feel like a ticking time bomb at the moment, knowing that at any moment I could start to bleed profusely.

The one good thing is that usualy, SCH are diagnosed after some bleeding. In my case, it's reversed and so I can be warned about what's coming up. It still doesn't make it fun, but it's a small comfort.

it's never easy, is it.