made it through another weekend

My goddess! These weekends are killing me! But I made it through, semi-gracefully. The shower went pretty well. A friend who knows that this is all very difficult for me decided that she would make me cocktails as long as I would drink them (confession: I had 2 and was tipsy). I actually did help in the moment, except that I can't really tolerate alcohol too well, so it's not a long term solution to these gatherings.

Another community gathering on Sunday evening that I was hosting at our house. A pregnant friend who was due last Thursday came late and lingered. And it's one thing to linger and another to linger and go on and on about the upcoming birth. I wanted to scream! And these friends are very sweet, loving, kind people. I really do love them, I just can't stand them at the moment, through no fault of theirs (or mine, I guess, but that's a harder one that my therapist is really trying to work on with me).

I'm gathering myself a bit of momentum for a big post on egg donation. I can't do it now, since I want to go to yoga this evening, but I need to write to sort out where I'm at with it. Stay tuned.

the wedding/baby shower

Like many women with IF, I have made it my personal rule NOT to attend baby showers. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Baby showers are like this: Open wound. Pour salt. Repeat. That's what they feel like. So, why do it. I sometimes get unpleasant reactions when I state that I won't be attending, but I can deal with that. I've pissed people off a number of time, and never has death ensued.

Today, a friend in my community is having a wedding shower. Three other women friends and I are throwing her a shower because she is getting married next week. Wedding showers are technically ok. Correct? Well, maybe not. This bride is pregnant with her first child and naturally very excited by these wonderful changes in her life. In addition, her sister and another woman are bringing their babies. And finally, another friend in our community was due yesterday but hasn't delivered yet so she may also come.

Yes, I know that I got myself into it. And I know that I can do it. I'm just realizing in this moment that it will be difficult and I am trying to buttress myself to stand tall in the face of this difficult task. I can't even be in the company of pregnant women at the moment without feeling a ton of pain. That's such a hardship because many of those pregnant women are my friends.

The woman whose shower is today called last night and wanted to check in with me about how I suddenly left a gathering last week without saying goodbye. I just told her I was having a hard time and needed to be alone, which was the truth. She then moved on to tell me they had their ultrasound and that they are expecting a girl. And then I needed to be happy with her. Later, when I found myself ruminating about it, I noticed I was mad at her; but then I stopped myself. "Be mad at infertility" I thought to myself, "not at her joy". This helped me get through the moment.

I'm signing off to go bake cupcakes for the shower. Beet/chocolate cupcakes, no less. I have more to write about, so I'll be signing in again.