Swimming in uncertainty

Warning - I feel like this might infuriate lovely women who are trying so hard to get pregnant but haven't yet. So, if you are not up for the ramblings of a pregnant infertile, please click away. I won't bat an eyelid.

It feels like forever since the last ultrasound. The next one, scheduled for the near future (Tuesday morning), also seems like it is forever from now. All par for the course, ain't it.

The weather in my head this week has been overcast, with a few thundershowers sprinkled throughout. This even if in reality, there is no cause to think anything is wrong. But there was no suspecting anything was wrong last time either, which is the retort I can't get my mind to shut up about.

Being at the end of week 8 (8w5d today) feels like entering the valley of the shadow of death. My mind is trying to work out the details of when the D&C will happen, trying to anticipate my work schedule and my grandfather's imminent passing (he's now in palliative care - it's the end). I guess what I know of pregnancy, the parts that I know in my body and not just intellectually, have to do with lots of nausea, lots of medication and fear of weaning, lots of uncertainty, and then the end. My mind plays that tape, and each time, I say that it can be different this time. I pull out my list of things to combat anxiety (to which, dear readers, you have made a very significant contribution), and I get back to a state of semi-okayness.

And then I get distracted by the nausea and its management.  

Sigh.

All we can do is wait.

It's hard to imagine sharing this news with anyone outside of our close circle yet. As I was saying to Mr. A, what I'm most uncomfortable about is that people would feel (or look) more happy and excited about this than I do at the moment. Not that I am not happy and excited. You know I am. But those feelings are not predominant in my experience at the moment. I'm still a bit stuck on how crappy that is, and how unfair it is to the gummy bear. I should be jumping up and down instead of thinking every 10 minutes that  he/she is dead.

Can you control your feelings, Augusta? NO, no you can't.

Alright then, let's just ride them out.

So, we'll wait for Tuesday. All we can do is wait.  

From JM Barclay Photography

very early days

Here I am, 5w2d into this pregnancy. How long will it last? I hope 35 more weeks. I won't get to decide, but I can still register my preference.

This is a twilight zone of sorts. It's not entirely real yet, and that's a normal feeling I believe. I've had some lines on a 2 pee sticks and a couple numbers - good ones at that - to confirm that I am currently pregnant. I also get to have pregnancy symptoms, which by golly, is a real nice bonus. Yet in a general sense, this is all still more theoretical than it is real.

I know, there is also a huge alcatraz-thick wall of protection around my heart about this (and other things, let's be honest). After I saw the lines on the POAS last Thursday, I walked into our bedroom to tell Mr. A who was just waking up. He reacted gleefully to the happy news. Yet, we clearly were much more muted than we were when we saw those lines in April 2011. I don't think we're any less happy than we were last time, I just think we are way more cognizant of the distance between a positive pregnancy test and a baby. It's lovely that many couples can just get wildly excited when they first get the news and start acting right away like they're having a baby, but that's not us. That's not any of us here in this community. We know in exquisite, excruciating detail all the ways in which what is given can be taken away. [On that note, I was devastated to find out that our lovely nurse Louisa's baby is no longer growing and living. I am so sorry, dear woman].

I've noticed that the fears and the relentless anxiety make really strong bids for my attention. Like the other day, I opened my 'word of the day' on dictionary-dot-com and the word was ectopic. Anxiety had a FIELD DAY with that. I kid you not.

Clearly, I need a plan for putting FEAR and ANXIETY in their place. Those two will run this whole show without me, and before I know it, I will have killed my embryo with repeated surges of cortisol.

Strategies I've been using with some success:

1) Misfit reminded me that this embryo's gotta want it, gotta do it of its own design. Somehow, and perhaps because it's coming from her, that helps me take myself out of the equation for a few minutes and reminds me that I have no control. If I have no control, then I can just keep doing what I'm doing, hope for the best outcome and chillax.

2) Whenever I feel something in the lower abdominal region, I take it as an opportunity to tell myself: "Oh look, you're having UES (Uterus Expanding Sensations - pronounced 'ewes' for the added imagery of mama sheep nestling their lambs). For some reason, saying to myself that I'm having UES is much less alarming than saying to myself that I'm having cramps. Cramps recalls menstruation, wherein one sheds blood. Why would I want to think of that right now.

3) I tell myself "we're having this baby." I realize that this may not be the truth in the end, but right now, I just need to hear myself say it, in a fake it till you make it sort of way. It helps me focus on the best possible outcome,redirecting my thoughts away from the doom and gloom scenarios, and towards how I'd like this to end. That is, delivering this healthy baby in March after a complete gestation.

If you've got other things to suggest that have helped you cope with this early stage of uncertainty, I'm all eyes. But even if you've got nothing, I love all your comments, so please just say hello.