Self-advocacy

I saw Dr. Lovely as planned yesterday. She was pleased to hear that there had been no bleeding. I started off with my big advocacy piece without delay. At first, she was gently suggesting that an additional u/s would not tell us anything new, that we would want to do that if I started to bleed but not really otherwise. I said that waiting a month to visit the OB seemed like a very long time, especially because I feel like a ticking time bomb. And also that this sounded like a reactive, as opposed to a proactive strategy. She listened. She's really good like that. I said that I wondered where the SCH were located exactly in relation to the placenta. She looked at the report from the imaging clinic, which is when I realized she hadn't seen the u/s at all. The report said the placenta is anterior, and the big mofo is on the right, while the little SCH is on the left. Ok, that helped a tiny bit. Perhaps the SCH is not ripping the placenta from the uterine wall as we speak.

I started asking about options. Could I not go see the OB earlier? She's really busy, I was told, and never even answered Dr. Lovely's query about recommendations for dealing with SCH. She said she would bug the OB office for an answer. Could she send my referral back to the large university hospital MFM clinic to see whether, now that I have a large SCH, they would consider taking me as a patient? She said she could try that. Could I get another u/s between now and the day I have to see the OB? Yes, she felt that was reasonable. When I said that the word on the street about the imaging was pas bon, she looked curious. What did I hear, she asked. I told her a few things, and she admitted that she herself had a bad experience there. Consensus! So she referred me to the Pleasantville General Hospital for the u/s, which will happen on September 14. She said it will be good to get a second opinion. I'll say.

In the appointment, we also listened to the baby's heartbeat. She laughed and mockingly scolded me for buying a doppler - after saying that she used the one at work all the time during her pregnancies (and she would, especially for the pregnancy after her stillbirth). It took a few minutes to find it and then there it was, loud as a crow. It still seems so amazing.

And amidst my questions about when the second trimester really, truly starts, Dr. Lovely declared that I had made it. Good enough for me.

cloudy, but mostly calm

Dear reader, are you tired of the drama in this blog? I'm asking because I'm getting pretty tired of it myself. I can't really do anything to prevent shit from happening, but I've focused on chilling the hell out and so far, it's been working.

The SCHs have been silent. No cramping. No bleeding. (thanks for the reminder, Roccie). I used the doppler on the weekend and heard baby's heartbeat loud and clear. So while there is this threat of impending red doom, there is at the moment, nothing alarming (and please let this writing of it not act as a big jinx to the dormant SCHs, or as my friend dragonfly named them, the little shits).

Mr. A did some chatting at his men's group (yes, my hubby is a SNAG (sensitive new age guy) who goes to a men's group to drink imported beer and talk about his feelings). Turns out all the men were against the imaging clinic we visited. One of the men is married to a midwife, who steers all her patients away from that imaging clinic because it is crap. Another man relayed the story of how they measured his son as 4lbs over his actual birthweight and told his wife she would surely need a c-section (she didn't). So, this left me wondering about the diagnosis made from the ultrasound at said crap imaging clinic. And it made me long for the days of just going to our fertility clinic and getting an ultrasound from a DOCTOR. In our system, the technician does the u/s and the doctor reviews it and comments/diagnoses as needed.

I have an appointment with Dr. Lovely tomorrow (my gp), from whom I will request a consult with an OB. Pronto. I think I deserve to be assessed by an expert who can tell me what's what. I'd like to know where the little shits are located, and know what to expect. Are they likely to interfere with the placenta's attachment to the uterine wall or not very likely? Have they grown in size since assessed last Tuesday or are they shrinking? I need some answers women.

In the mean time, I am 13w1d, which is just a little bit amazing. I went to a big outdoor concert on the weekend and I declined when they wanted to put a "you're of age to drink alcohol" wrist band on my wrist. "I'm pregnant" I said. It felt SO GOOD to say that. While I still am afraid of the ramifications of the SCHs, and everything else that could go wrong, I am feeling like this might really happen. I'm sure I'll eat my words next time I get scared, but that's how I've been feeling in the last few days, and I like it.

Thank you for reminding me of how the horror stories of SCH turned up roses in the end. I needed to be reminded. Your support continues to help me put one foot in front of the other.