mocking continues

I think I may have ignored important information to solve the equation I posted on my last entry. So, on the little dele.strogen vial, it says 20mg/ml, an important clue for us to solve this equation. To recap:

2mgs estra.ce t.i.d., PO + 2mgs est.race, PV + oes.clim patch 5mg every three days < 20cc of Dele.strogen IM, every three days.

If I divide the dosage to daily doses, and factor in the 20mg/ml information, we get this:

6mgs estr.ace PO + 2mgs PV + 1.67 oesc.lim < 13.33mg dele.strogen

                                      or

9.67mg < 13.33mg

Equation solved.


Still, all the math in the world doesn't prevent me from wondering how my body will react to this new form of estrogen. I am trying to reassure myself with reminders that my uterus is responsive to estrogen. Obviously not exactly like a uterus that has been stimulated by naturally occuring estrogen since the age of 11, but still, I have taken estrogen in many forms (alas, not yet in the form of dark chocolate) and had an "adequate" uterine response.

I think my fretting comes from the association I have with injections. I wasn't blogging back in 2009 when we started our treatments, but here's a synopsis. We were gearing up for an IUI in June 2009 and I was taking menop.ur. I diligently injected myself everyday and showed up for monitoring but NOTHING was happening. The u/s and the bloodwork showed that my body was absolutely NOT responding. Like radio silence. LH and FSH receptors probably never developed on my ovaries because of my unusal history, and so injecting the two did absolutely nothing. Alright, Dr. RE said, let's try the estrogen priming protocol plus injections. After a few months of priming with estrogen, we tried meno.pur injections again in September 2009. Again, nothing happened in there. Both times I could sort of tell that there wasn't much happening in my body. The subtles signs weren't there. It just felt like silence. I think I've associated injections with silence, with failure.

This is different. I'm not injecting gonadotropins. It's straight estrogen, to which *remember* my uterus tends to be responsive. My boobs are a bit sore. I'm taking it as a good sign. I won't know anything until I go in for monitoring on Feb. 10. And then the RE at SG can determine whether he likes that better than the estra.ce/oescl.im combo I was on.

Mock cycle begins

I am writing up a storm this month. It's my 6th post in January, for goodness' sake.

We started the Dele.strogen injections last night. I'm happy to report that it didn't hurt very much. Just wait for the PIO shots, you say? Oh yeah, those will be coming before I know it. We will do these injections every 3 days, and then I'll go in for b/w an u/s on Feb. 10 to see what has become of my endometrium. We're hoping for thick red fleece, as Oat would say.

Here is an equation I'm having a tough time solving. Calling all mathematically skilled persons out there (yes, that means you, Misfit).
2mgs estra.ce t.i.d., PO +  2mgs est.race, PV + oes.clim patch 5mg every three days < 20cc of Dele.strogen IM, every three days.

I guess you can concentrate a solution significantly, whereas there is only so far to go with packing a tablet and a transdermal patch with estrogen. I'm still wondering why they wouldn't consider the idea of putting estrogen in bubble bath, eye drops, or dark chocolate.  I am curious to see how my lining will respond to this new estrogen regimen. 

I am thinking of Patience and Jess, both awaiting news about potential adoptions, and also for Patience, awaiting to know more about a pregnancy in its early days. I am hoping so much that they will both finally become mothers.

Hope you are having a nice weekend. It snowed all day here, which incidentally, is one thing that truly makes my heart sing. I love snow.

From Bomobob, an artist from my home town, Montréal.

Looking ahead to the looking back narrative

Thank you very much for your warm comments on my last post. I feel better: less stuck in that spiral for now, although I know I will revisit my grief. That's just the nature of the process. What I'll muse about today is inherently more positive.

I've observed (however unscientifically) that after harrowing journeys through the inferno of multiple failures at conceiving or gestating a child, a significant proportion of you have found success or are well on your way. A few of you are still in childless land and suffering. I am here with you and like you, doing everything I can to bring our child(ren) home. I've recently been thinking about how infertile women who now have a child or children once felt hopeless, thought it would never happen, suffered through a thousand disappointments and overwhelming anxiety. And then they got pregnant. Or got the call from the adoption agency. And then went though the pregnancy or met the birth family. And at some point brought their child home. It appears from my very naive reading of this bringing-home-of-one's-child that it "draws a line between so far and from now on"* Life will never be the same, they say. From reading your blogs, that's the sense I get, but you will correct me if I'm way off on this one.

So, in writing or talking with some of you recently, I've been wondering about the looking back. As I struggle through this terrible time, I find myself thinking about what I will think and feel about this period of my life once it is over. And how the bringing home of our child will change my sense of these awful years (told you this post was more positive: I am speaking as though I will actually bring a child home!). I have been articulating for myself and some of my close friends that this experience of infertility has changed me at my core. Right now, it doesn't feel like a welcomed change, or one that's made me a better human being. I feel like a diminished version of myself, and have felt this way for 3 years. I have found myself unskilled at compartmentalizing this experience, and have seen my failure at becoming a mother reach into and rattle the foundations of my marriage, my self-concept, my professional identity, my body image, my friendships, my social self and I could go on. Do I really think a baby is going to steady all of those pillars? No. I'm not an idiot. Will it prove to me that earthquakes can shake foundations but not make them crumble? That's one of the questions I ask myself. 

Clearly, having a baby doesn't erase the infertility. It probably changes one's relationship to it though. How will I look back on all of this? I don't know. What will be salvaged of my old self, pre-infertility? I'm not sure. Who the hell will I be once I'm not consumed by thoughts about treatment and time processing all of the emotions relating to this experience? I hope to find out.

In the mean time, CD1 is arriving on Thursday, which will ring in the start of the mock cycle. Dele.strogen IM injections here we come. And with reluctance, I have to do a HPT. I guess if we need to prove that a wheel is round, we will make it roll, but it's been demonstrated time and again. The wheel is round, my friends. Augusta's ovaries are closed for business.

Now, let us see about my uterus. It may be able to do what it needs to for the growing of a fetus. A girl can hope.


*Ani DiFranco, 78% H2O