Spring Forward

Picture this commonplace scene from our past. March 6th to 9th, 2008. Sattva, C. and I are in Chicago for the Society for Research on Adolescence conference. We had decided to take the earliest flight back home on the Sunday morning, given that we all had lives to get back to. What we didn't account for when buying our plane tickets was the time change. Clocks are changed in the night of Saturday to Sunday, and when we get the wake-up call, all three of us are confused about what time it is and whether we've missed our flight. In addition, we are still on EST, and Chicago is on CDT. Sattva is about 7-8 weeks pregnant with Ginger, and by the time our cab pulls into O'Hare, she is green with nausea. It's so damn early; it's dark like 3am. We make it with time to spare and I run around the airport, desperate to find something to put in Sattva's belly to make the nausea go away. I have a picture engraved in my mind of her sitting on an airport waiting area bench, looking pale, yet relieved that I was bearing coffee and baked good. 


Picture this more unusual scene from this morning. March 13, 2011. Sattva and I are both expected in FTT for an u/s, and Sattva also needs to get blood work. I get up at 5:15, but because of the change to daylight savings time,  it really feels like 4:15. I get to her house at 5:45. We drive in the night. It's so damn early; it's dark like 3am. In the car, Sattva tells me that her ovaries feel very big. We get to the blood work lab. Her name is not on their list. Weird. She goes in and I almost fall asleep on my chair. We drive to the hospital and find parking on the second floor of the parking garage. It must be Sunday. We wait in the waiting room until the nurse comes to get Sattva (no receptionists on Sunday. Too bad, I was wearing my name tag), and soon after comes to get me. Sitting outside the u/s room, I can hear that it's Dr. RE who is on call. This brings me infinite reassurance. I trust him so much at this point. When one of the two change rooms becomes available, I go in and know that Sattva is the one getting the u/s on the other side of the door. Despite the music playing in the change room trying to cover the conversations going on in the u/s room, I hear Dr. RE call out the size of the follies. It all sounds good to me, in the 1.6 to 2.0 range. I think I count 9, but I'm not sure. My turn comes, and the resident is the one doing the u/s. She tries to visualize my uterine lining, but is not quite getting it. Dr. RE moves her over gently, and locates what he wants to see. It's still good. 7.5 he said. I'm wondering how it went from 9 to 7.5, but if he says 7.5 is good, that's all I need. They tell me that Sattva will trigger tonight and that retrieval will be on Tuesday.   

Following the u/s, the nurse took us into her office to teach the HCG trigger shot to Sattva. She also helped Sattva by extracting the last bits of meds from her 2 used go.nal-f pens so that she could get her final dose tonight. Sattva inquires about follies and the nurse tells her there are 8. We leave and make our way to the elevator. Sattva looks concerned. She feels that 8 is not enough. Meanwhile, I'm overjoyed to get that many, and all within a very close range in size. When your ovaries do not produce eggs, any amount is a miracle. 8 has always been my favourite number.

This gets more real everyday. Mr. August wanted to talk about midwives versus OB at brunch this morning. I humoured him, knowing that if things go south, I will look back on this conversation with great sadness. But at this point, my heart is completely in it. It's like when you are 17 and you lust after a boy very much,  and you can see yourself falling and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. I already knew my heart had to be in it. I already knew that if things didn't work out, it would hurt. I am doing this consciously. I want you to remind me to read this post if or when things go south and I start loathing myself for going through with the DE IVF. I made the choice with full knowledge of potential consequences.

But let's stay north for a while longer here (instead of talking about things going south). I decided to go to work tomorrow, and take the rest of the week off. Sattva and Mr. A will drive to FTT together on Tuesday morning and I'll meet them at the hospital. I'll drive Sattva home and then focus the rest of the week on preparing the presentation for my defense. Do you think I've been able to concentrate on that at all? Not so much. I've booked an acupuncture treatment for Thursday afternoon and we will go in for the embryo transfer on Friday morning (if all goes well and embryos get made). This is getting more real everyday.

Thank you for cheering me on. I feel very blessed to have you with me.
 

Pinch me

Things are still going well. How is that possible? I don't know, but I'm rolling with it. I can even say that I like it.

I met Sattva at the clinic this morning. Once again, she got up at 5am, drove 90 minutes in the dark to get a needle in her arm and some vagcam action. All before 8am. 

I got to the waiting room and took a seat. I pulled out a pen and paper to do some math on the gon.al-f dosage and when we would replenish her supplies. The receptionist came over asking me for my health card, and I had to explain in a hushed tone that I was, hum, waiting for our donor. "Oh. Oh, I see." She wasn't the usual receptionist but she handled it well once her brain started to put it together. Sattva showed up almost at the same time: she had already had her ultrasound.

Even though we both had to get back to work, we felt that because it was so early, we could afford the time to have a coffee (tea for me) and chat. It's becoming our little ritual to go down to the 3rd floor cafeteria and sit at the table where I sat with little Ginger back in January. I'm enjoying so much all this time I get to spend with her.

Things looked good. The follies were at 1.2 cm, which they said was right on target for day 6. They want to see her again on Friday. We tried to plan what things would look like after that. Will they want to see her on Saturday or Sunday? Will the follies be big enough on Friday that they will have her trigger on Saturday night for retrieval on Monday morning? Hard to predict. We talked about the different scenarios and how we would do it logistically over the weekend. Sattva's husband is away this weekend, so the girls would need to be looked after if we have to go to FTT for monitoring.
 
So it looks like Sattva is actually going to make it to retrieval. This is actually going to happen.

I realize how much I have prevented myself from believing in this dream. I realize it now because I think I'm starting to believe in it. Is the moment of believing the same moment it all shatters to pieces? That is certainly one of my many fears.

Of course, retrieval does not equal embryos, and even embryos does not equal fetus (and fetus does not equal baby).

It just feels strange to go to the clinic and receive good news.

I can get used to strange.

I am going in tomorrow morning for a meeting with the wand. Hopefully, my lining looks nice and plump and cozy. 

Oh, and Sattva and I were having a discussion about how there would be leftover from one gon.al-f pen and she would have to combine it with stuff from another one. Our nurse explained how she could do it with an extra syringe so that she would mix the meds from both, and only have to inject herself once. Pfff! Not our Sattva. She injected herself twice last night, she said with a little grin. She's so hardcore.  

My commenting has been sub-par lately and I apologize for that, women. I have to say, there is less of me to go around these days. I am focused on getting through the DE IVF and getting ready for my defense. Please know that my thoughts are with you, even if I am not commenting with the same frequency. Also, THANK YOU for your great comments, for your support, and for keeping me in your thoughts.