gratitude, reassurance, hope and peeing

Women, you are amazing. You encourage me, put up with my whining, and wipe my tears. The comments you left me on my last post (or the emails) lifted my spirits greatly. I'm not sure what dark pit of utter despair I would reside in without your constant, loving presence in my life.

My funk turned shortly after I wrote my last post. First because it helped me tremendously to write about it. Second, because your amazing comments made me feel much better. Third, because I tried to eat my lunch and had to stop partway and put it away. I thought I might hurl. IF has given me such drawn-out, from here-to-forever time periods in hell, that it's kind of surprising to snap back from a downward spiral (an intense one at that) in such a short time.

I am cautious in interpreting it, but in all honesty, I have been feeling reliably nauseous and queasy everyday since Friday. I doubt myself and keep wondering if I'm making it up. I know that my brain could create this: I've seen a few patients with conversion disorder and I know that symptoms can be experienced as real even though they are not organic (although one would need a sort of blindness of their internal/emotional world to have that, and this doesn't fit me very well). I am feeling encouraged by these symptoms, reassured even, but I won't know for sure until I know.

While I don't want to make too much out of it, it seems that my nausea/queasiness has helped me let hope back into my heart. It really has, and I think that's ok. Preventing hope is not going to make the blow any softer if it didn't work. But for the days until then, allowing hope will make me feel lighter. 

On the subject of POAS, here's where I stand, respectfully acknowledging that mine isn't the best approach, just the one that feels most comfortable to me. I know that I could have started testing last Friday, but I was afraid of getting an equivocal answer. It felt easier for me to wait than to get a maybe yes/maybe no. Last time, we tested on beta day. Our reasoning was that we didn't want to first hear the news from the nurse. Positive or negative, I was pretty sure I would be loosing my shit either way, so why torture myself by adding the need to remain socially appropriate on the phone.

So for those who've asked, yes, I will start to pee on things this week. Given the logic above, it would be Friday morning, beta day, but there is a small hitch to that. I have to be at work that morning for a family therapy session, and it's already been rescheduled once because of my absence. If I test on Friday morning and it's no go, then I might be wallowing. So testing has been moved to Thursday, either am or pm. Please register your vote in the comment section for your preferred time.

still.cannot.concentrate

This is was happened after my lament of a post on Tuesday evening. I woke up the next morning, went for my gentle walk, did all my morning routine things and despite being up for a couple of hours, I just wasn't getting hungry. I had a substantial piece of salmon for supper on Tuesday and still felt full, a decrease in appetite not altogether surprising after a change in my activity level. But like a switch, it suddenly turned to nausea. And then from mild nausea to 'oh my gawd, I'm gonna barf' nausea. That is certainly not a remotely typical reaction to my delaying breakfast. I get nauseous on planes, boats, watching home videos, and every few years when I get a stomach virus. Certainly not from delaying breakfast.

To be sure, this nausea could have been entirely of psychogenic origins.  

Or, it could mean something else.

Like the estrogen (unlikely, I've never had problems tolerating it) or the progesterone (more likely, since it is a hypothesized cause of morning sickness in pregnancy) I am on currently. I am taking 2x the amount of progesterone I normally take on my regular cycles. There are theories that hcg causes morning sickness. If that's true, and if my nausea wasn't psychogenic, then I have reason to hope.

No big nausea this morning, as I ate breakfast more promptly, but there was some mild queasiness post breakfast.

I should really be leaving this level of detail to my defense prep. Which is what I'm going to have to do right now.


Some of you have asked if I will POAS and the answer is yes. But it will not be until the weekend after my defense. Mr. August has been quite clear with his wishes regarding the peeing on things and I can see his point. My advisor is having a little gathering on the night of my defense, and then my friends are having another shin-dig on Friday, April 1st. Mr. A wants me to be able to enjoy my celebrations. He knows all too well that if it's negative, it will be next to impossible to enjoy myself.

My beta blood test is on Saturday April 2, but I won't get the results until Monday, April 4 (because I can't do the actual blood test in FTT, and by the time the clinic gets the results, it will be Monday). Because I don't want to hear the results of our DE IVF at work, I will pee on a stick on Saturday or Sunday. Haven't decided yet. I know that technically, I could start testing this weekend, but I just don't want to do this to myself. I will continue to be hopeful and ignorant of whether I am with child until after April Fools Day.

I am stupidly excited about Roccie's darkening pink and blue lines on the complement of POAS approaches she has been using. I am hopeful that my other two cycle sisters, Pumpkin and Foxy are also coming upon some wonderful news imminently.