thirty eight

I got the exam over and done with. Thank you so very much for your encouragements and support. Most of the people I know who have written this exam have left feeling like they failed. That's pretty much how I felt.  I'm just hoping I passed so I don't have to do this again. In a deep irony that wasn't lost on Bunny, the exam results are usually shared with the examinee 2 weeks after the exam. That's right folks, I'm in a 2ww hell of a different sort.

In the mean time, all I am hearing from the US clinic are crickets. We got re-matched on April 4. I emailed our nurse on April 5 because it was my CD1. I emailed her again on April 16 because I hadn't heard anything from them and wanted to check in. Nothing again. It would be easier to receive a note saying "hold tight, we are working through stuff and will get the cycle schedule out soon." I did receive yesterday an email from our coordinator asking about one of my blood work screens that I had done in late December. It annoyed me. Greatly.

I am losing hope that this will happen in May. It's going to be June now. Or maybe July. The wait is weighing on me now. I was feeling so zen about it for months, but I'm not anymore.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was rough. Last year on my birthday, we were having our first ultrasound and owlet's heartbeat was detected for the first time. Owlet was growing and alive, and our dreams were finally coming true. This year, well, things are different. I think I was really holding on to having dates all set by the time my birthday came around, and it was a huge let down to not have those yet and still be swimming in uncertainty.

I had a great amount of birthday love from many friends. It really warmed my heart. Unfortunately, I was having a huge wave of secondary guilt for not being able to fully take all that love in, for being so distressed on a day that's supposed to be happy. Ugh. I wanted the day to end as soon as it started. Mr. A took me out to a comedy show, which made me laugh. I was really glad for the distraction.