The early November update

In point form:

• The yoga workshop on trauma and stress I attended this weekend was really valuable. I learned a ton from it. A trusted teacher of mine was giving this workshop. I learned about important things in my body, not just in my head. I learned that sensations are just sensations, and that I can stay with those sensations as they come and go. This learning felt more accessible to me than what Energy Medicine Woman had to suggest. I have more trust invested in my teacher HL. That seemed to make a difference for me. The weekend provided further confirmation that I don't want to work with EMW at the moment.

• I went to dinner at my friends who are new parents. As we say in French, I went walking backwards (j'y suis allée de reculons). I did almost call in uninterested or take Bunny's offer to punch them in the face. But in the end, I forced myself to go, thinking it was only delaying the inevitable. I made up a get out of jail free card that I had in my back pocket in case it got to be more than I could handle. I decided I would feign sudden nausea if I found myself too uncomfortable. I didn't need to use it. Dinner was fine. These friends are really nice, good people and I hadn't seen them apart from in passing since before the baby was born. The baby is totally gorgeous and smiles all the time. It was all fine. Except that because I need to survive these kinds of situations, the kind where you go into the intimate setting of new parents' bliss, I have to shut down parts of myself to survive. Because the dinner was in the midst of this yoga workshop, I noticed the shutting down more acutely. I can get through dinner and make as though everything is peachy, but the only way I've found to do that so far is to leave parts of me at home. I realized later that the evening was very hard on me. I noticed the shutting down especially as I left. The woman in the couple came out on the front porch with me after I had said goodbye to both of them. She very kindly (and nervously) told me that Mr. August had mentioned our infertility and she just wanted to let me know she understood if there were times when I could not be with them and their baby. She said she loves us and holds so dearly the possibility of us becoming parents. It was incredibly kindhearted and genuine. But I had numbed myself out already for the evening, so I wasn't able to let that in in the moment. What a shame that was. 

• I am submitting the first draft of my dissertation today. Today. My conditioned patterns have taken over completely and I am convinced it's a complete piece of crap. But it's a piece of crap that will be out of my hands as of this afternoon. 

• To celebrate submitting my thesis, I am going to Seattle! I've never been there, but it's intrigued me for a long time. Mr. August is in Vancouver on business, so he'll take the train down to meet me and we'll spend the weekend walking around and discovering a new city. It dawned on me that Seattle was the perfect city in which to conclude to the kind of year we've just had, one where SO MUCH RAIN has fallen. 

• I hate flying. I get nausea and fear. See bullet 1 to know what I'm going to focus on while flying.

• I'm so thankful for all your comments on the last post. I've continued to feel a bit down lately, but it's been soothing to read and reread your warm comments. Thank you.