Doubting Thomas

I've just finished reading this great book for book club called 'Too close to the falls' by Catherine Gildiner. It's her memoir of growing up in Lewsiton, NY, a town close to Niagara Falls. She goes to a strict catholic school and because she is so incredibly bright and so incredibly impulsive, she is perpetually in trouble with the nuns. When she questions something that the sister thinks she should take on faith, she gets called a doubting Thomas. Pretty soon, even the towns people are calling her that, because she was seeking proof (little empiricist that she was). 

Today, I feel like a doubting Thomas. The November 16 appointment is coming, and I see a red light in the distance, and not a green one. There are so many reasons why the egg donation with Sattva could be nixed by the good doctor. And there are good reasons why it should go ahead. Should I take it faith? I can't seem to make myself today.

I'm feeling very sad right now. And angry. Why would a whole entire system of my body just not work at all. I know that it's much better to have your reproductive system be non-functional than say, your cardiac system. Because, you know, that's game over. But I'll bitch about my hypertension and cholesterol in the next blog I write, maybe in 15 years after my first myocardial infarct.

Of course, if Sattva cannot donate her eggs, there are still some options. The two that I've been thinking of are these ones: We can sign up for this new embryo donation/adoption program that just started in Canada for couples who have extra embryos as a result of IVF. The other option is adoption. The private clinic who facilitates the embryo adoption is the same as the adoption agency I was thinking we would use. I'm pretty firmly committed to open adoption, and this is a bit harder through the public system. I have other reservations about the public system, but no doubt, you will hear about them later.

The reasons I think it will be a red light are (neither confirmed by facts nor rational): 1) Sattva's FSH is too high and her ovarian reserve is diminishing, making the egg donation a bad decision for her and for us. 2) Some other reason will prevent Sattva from being able to donate her eggs. 3) I've already been picked as the one who won't get pregnant. Done deal. I'm just building castles in the clouds. 4) My body won't have the slightest, effing clue what to do with an embryo, given the unlikely eventuality that we get to transfer.

The reasons I think that maybe it will be a green light: 1) Sattva is a healthy 36-year-old with proven fertility. 2) There is something selfless and transcendent in the generosity of her gesture; the Universe will reward this.

To add to my general malaise today, I go a call from some friends I have been actively avoiding. These are the friends who chose us to be the first ones to tell about their pregnancy last fall. That was hell. I hid from them through the pregnancy, was conveniently in Massachusetts for the baby shower, and made myself scarce after the baby was born. But they cornered me. Mr. August went over a few days ago, before he left on a business trip. So they knew he was away and wanted to have me over for dinner tonight. After I said I was focusing on my thesis, he persisted in finding a date when I could come over. My duck was cooked. I have to go over on Saturday and share a meal with them and their smugness (and their baby). I'm in no mood for that at the moment.

Ok, that's plenty of grapes of wrath for now. On a different note, I want to mention that there was a bright spot to my day. Jess at A little blog about the big infertility had a giveaway and guess who won 2nd prize???? That's right, kids! Yours truly. So excited!! THANK YOU JESS! The prize is one of her beautiful prints. I'm tickled.

Thesis update: General discussion is written, but still very rough. But that's a full document I have in front of me. Submitting to my advisor next week for a first read through.