Ramblings

I'm such a Luddite. Hard to believe, considering how much time I spend communing with a computer. But, making my blog pretty was a bit beyond me and I didn't feel like I had the time to invest in understanding the ins and outs of good blog design. But, blogger did it for me. I just had to click a few things and voila! I'd love to get even fancier and put owls on it somehow, but that's the advanced course, and I'm already a little lost in my Intro to Blogging class.

Mr. August had been away on business for the past 2 weeks and he came home on Saturday evening. I was really glad he came home. I had missed him. I felt lonely, even though I enjoy spending time on my own.

We have enjoyed each other's company since his return. We've hosted friends, watched a movie, read the Globe and Mail while sipping coffee together, enjoyed good meals and went for a long bike ride in the countryside this morning (it's a stat Holiday in our part of the world. YEAH!). Now ask me how afraid I am about this not lasting. Very.

Yes, I know, the cognitive distortions are taking over and I must fight them with all my might. The thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behaviours. Classic CBT (cognitive-behaviour therapy). If you're a hard core CBT person, you believe that thoughts are preponderant, that they lead to emotions, which in turn lead to actions. In that order. If you're from a different school, you set it up like a triangle and really see that it can go in any direction. I've certainly had emotions that have led me to think in certain ways and propelled me into acting. I've also acted in such ways that have brought on certain feelings and subsequently, made me think in certain ways. All this to say, I don't believe in the preponderance of thought, and especially not when it comes to feelings.

I would like to feel more confident in our young marriage. I would like to feel confident in myself. I would like to feel confident in life a little more. I would like to feel hopeful about the egg donation.

And perhaps that is a tall order I really don't have a right to impose on myself at the moment. Perhaps just continuing with one small step, another small step, and then another small step is about all I can ask of me. It always helps me to think that others are doing the best that they can at any given moment. I usually feel more understanding and kinder towards them when I assume that they are doing the best that they can. I need to assume I am doing the best that I can. In my marriage. In trying to become a mother. In trying to finish my dissertation. In trying to be a good friend, a good community member, a good person on this earth.