Todays' thoughts are brought to you by the letter I. I is for the self, of course, but also for Impermanence, which is what threads my thoughts around this necklace of a post, on this August 6th. I feel like since I've started learning about Buddhism in the late 90s, lessons about impermanence have been the most helpful and the most sobering. Impermanence means that I and everyone I love will die. Impermanence means that everything changes, all the time. Impermanence means that who I think I am is a mere illusion. But at the end of the day, breathing into the truth of impermanence has helped me through rough times. I hold on to the truth that difficult times will not last forever. Thich Nhat Hanh says that 'Thanks to impermanence, everything is possible'. And today, I choose to remember that. Here are a few thoughts.
Thought #1: Food poisoning will not stick around...much longer.
I thought I was all better from the food poisoning, but last night I had a little bit of a set back. Lots of unhappiness in the tummy. I ate about 1/3 cup of rice for dinner, as well as big cup of kefir, trying to repopulate my digestive tract with happy little friends. My morning has been slow, to say the least. Not having eaten much yesterday, I really wasn't able to jump out of bed. So, I didn't. That worries me of course. My productivity. My sense of accomplishment. My work. (Lions and tigers and bears, Oh my!). But I won't feel like this forever. I just had this bout of food poisoning. I'll be all better by tomorrow or the next day, for sure. I can count on things changing.
Thought #2: A bride's bouquet is lovely and compostable. Enjoy it later in pictures.
I looked at some of our wedding pictures this morning and wanted to share this one with you. I absolutely loved my bouquet and it's so nice to be able to still enjoy it through pictures. My bouquet survived for a long time after the wedding, almost 2 weeks and then we put it in our composter. You see, the day after our wedding, the furnace broke and our house was without heat for the week of our honeymoon (this was Canada in early March. Brrr. Cold). This meant that the flowers from our wedding, including my bouquet, were kept in the best possible conditions to survive. The bouquet lasted longer than I thought, but it did eventually have to go. I really like that we just composted it and it will make good soil for the garden. It didn't last in all its beauty, but here it is in pictures and in the soil.
Thought #3: Infertility sucks, but it doesn't mean we won't have a baby
I've been lurking on many blogs lately and find that many women are pregnant. As much as it feels like reading about these pregnancies would break my heart, it doesn't. It heartens me. I read about the veteran IFers, who've completed their 5th IVF cycles and finally got pregnant! I must say it brings me to question my negative attitude, grim prognosis, and fear of hoping. Sure, our situation is difficult and there are many hoops to jump through before the egg donor cycle can go ahead. But we have a donor! And we can borrow money! And things change! Yes, things change. Mr. August and I are not parents at the moment. But that absolutely does not mean we will not be parents in the future. You can see that I am loosening my grip on dire certainties.
Thought #4: Helping things change is not wrong (sorry about all the double negatives)
I made another phone call this morning. Yup! I did. And I am proud of myself. I have a friend who is also struggling with infertility. She has consulted with a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor in town and has found him to be excellent. She feels that her health has improved and that his interventions may help her conceive. So, I called to make an appointment. In preparing for the donor cycle, this surely cannot hurt. I've also been wondering about food sensitivites and it may be the right avenue to explore this issue. I'm most certainly not thinking that this doctor can cure the hypothalamic amenorrhea, although that would be swell (I may have to visit Disneyworld for that kind of cure). However, I think it can help prepare my body for a pregnancy, should the egg donation be successful. My appointment is September 28th, but she put me on the cancellation list for an earlier appointment.
Those are all my tidbits on impermanence for now. Thanks so much for reading. And for writing.
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