embryos

The eggs were sufficiently wooed

There are 11 embryos in the lab. I know the number will go down, but at this stage, I'm very pleased.

Life wanting to flourish.

I stand in amazement.

(well, I'm technically sitting on a train bound for Montreal. My grand-papa is ill with cancer and we are heading there to see him and likely say goodbye. Life and death often sit side by side)

I'm LOVING your enthusiasm, women. Thank you for being excited for me ( us) and with me.

eggs!

from Imagination Kids on etsy

I just listened to my voice messages at home, and it looks like we've got some eggs. The last count was 20 follicles. Yet, 26 eggs were retrieved. Sophie is amazing!

13 of those are ours.

The eggs are probably being courted by Mr. A's boys as we speak.

Let there be embryos.

It's time

I got an email yesterday stating that Sophie was going to trigger last night. Wow. I did not expect it would come so soon, but golly, I was excited to read that. The previous day, the email received had stated that her biggest follie was 17mm and that it would probably be 2-3 more days of stims until she triggered. Apparently not. Her egg retrieval is scheduled for Monday (tomorrow!), which means that our transfer will be on Saturday, June 23. I start my PIO shots this evening.

wow

We have kicked into high gear with trip preparations. There will be LOTS of time on different trains, so I am thinking about all the reading materials, magazines, etc, I will bring. What do you like to have when you go on long trips?

I am feeling rather positive about all this. Hope has crept back into my heart, on cue. I feel that taking the long view has helped me tremendously. If it doesn't work this time, we'll just go back in August and try again. We'll keep trying until it works or until we can no longer go forward. 

from UUPP on etsy

mid-cycle updates

The fun continues, folks.

33 follies counted yesterday. 20 today.

Thankfully, the nurse said not to worry about the variation. She explained that it depends on who does the u/s, and how they count them. Math is indeed a highly subjective endeavor. I personally really like it when 2+2 = 5.

Seriously, unless you tell me to panic about this drop in follicles, I'm not even going to register it. It's follies, not eggs. And since counting them seems to be hard, then why worry my pretty head? I've decided not to.

I went for my lining check yesterday morning. Tummy distress alerted me to the fact that I was really nervous about this, even though I had myself convinced I was chill and zen. Another fellow wanded me this time, under the watchful eye of one of the docs (the one who talked to me when I had bleeding in week 6 of the pregnancy). Once again, we played a game of 'Where in the World are Augusta's ovaries?" When I said they're usually hard to find, the doc said that they were keeping quiet for me. 'Snort', I later thought, 'that's their modus operandus.'  At least I don't have to worry about one of them sprouting an egg mid-DE cycle. Gotta look at the bright side here.

And the lining.

wait for it.

7.5mm at first glance. The email from my nurse said "we are happy with today's lining" Hey, if they're happy, I'm happy.

Sophie goes back in tomorrow. She seems to get monitored every day, which is different than with Sattva. I sent off the letter to her yesterday by expresspost, so the clinic should have it by Friday. It feels good to have written it and sent it.
 
I'll post another update this week. Thanks for the love, women. It feels so good to have you on my team. 

let's do this

Thanks for your great feedback on my last post. I was glad to read that in your experience, most clinics do accept recipients offerings to the donors. I asked two staff members at our clinic about writing the donor a card and got responses very promptly (that's more like it). The response was positive, as long as we don't put any identifying information in the card. I cranked out a couple of drafts on the weekend and the Mr. was looking over one last night. It's my goal to have it there before the ER so that she may even get it on that day.

On the weekend, I also got to spend time with Sattva. I find it amazing that after all that, our friendship continues. Not that I expected to end. It feels like so much was loss that it wouldn't have surprised me to also lose her friendship (yes, that's irrational. I know. I'm a psychologist). I had purchased a necklace for Sattva that symbolized connection. I gave it to her on the weekend as well as a card expressing my enduring gratitude to her for having donated eggs and for being such a caring friend. It felt good to let her know in this way how I (we) have so much gratitude and love for her.

We did end up picking a name for our donor. There is no special connection to that name, it was just one that we could both agree on and seemed to fit the darling little girl in the pictures. We've decided to call her Sophie. Unlike every name on this blog, this one is not a pseudonym. It is her real fake name.

I am heading to FTT for a lining check tomorrow morning. Hoping for an appropriately fluffy red fleece. I'm also picking up my PIO. It looks like I'll be starting those next week. Whatevs. I'm Xena. I can shoot up with estrogen AND progesterone behing my back, simultaneously, and blindfolded.

Oh, and in other news, Sophie was in for her monitoring this morning. She had about 31 follies they said. Sounded like follies-a-plenty to me. Her next monitoring is Wednesday. Receiving that email really told me that it's game on. Let's do this.

Anyone else out there over the moon about Misfit giving birth to a darling baby girl? It has been an extra long and extra hard road for Misfit. I'm so happy for you Misfit, I want to shout it from every rooftops.

a rose by any other name

Hopeful parents start trying to give a name to their unborn child soon after they've learned of the pregnancy. For women, it starts, long before then, like in high school during sleepovers with girlfriends and discussions of a Harlequin romance you were going to have with a muscular, square-jawed piece of a man, and then have several of his babies, and name them Tiffany, Crystal, and Corey.

The conversation at our dinner table last night was about naming. Naming our donor, that is. We're 10000 steps away from holding a baby in our arms. However, we are entering into this cycle more fully as of today because our donor starts her stimulation meds. She is on my mind, this goddess of eggs and generosity and youth.

The anonymity bothers me. I accept it and I understand why and I am very good with abiding by the rules. But the anonymity niggles at me. I would like to know her. I would like to be able to thank her in person so she could see in my eyes that this actually DOES mean the world to me. I would like to be able to tell my (hypothetical) child exactly which female human being on this earth is the one whose genetic material and whose generosity contributed to him or her being born into our family.

With Sattva, we had some established parameters around the relationships we were going to foster. She would be our child's aunt, and our children would be cousins. Our child would have had access to Sattva, and would have known all along that she was the egg donor. We considered the possibility that either family would move away from Pleasantville, and how we would be travelling to see each other and keep our families connected.

It is strange not make these plans with this donor. Even stranger to me is that I don't know what her name is. I think of her so often, and I wonder what she is doing right now, and how she is feeling and where is she going to do her injections this evening and will her son ask her what those are for. I wonder how long it will take her to drive to the clininc for monitoring. I wonder what car she is driving. I look at her pictures and my heart fills with love and gratitude. "thank you,____"

It's been on my mind for a while, but I decided yesterday that I must give her a name. It's not like I can guess what her real name is, but having accepted that, I'll pick a name that I can use in my offerings of gratitude, a name Mr. A and I can use when we are referring to her.

After my yoga practice last evening, I took some time to look at her pictures and decided on a name. I bounced a few names around in my mind and settled on that one. Mr. A and I talked about it at supper afterwards, and he challenged me on it (in a good way). The name I picked is one of Sattva's given names. Wouldn't that be confusing for our child if we kept that made-up name in the future and the child thought it was Sattva? Yes, I thought, that's not going to work. I guess that's partly why that name felt so right to me, because it is one of Sattva's names, because I love Sattva so much and so completely embraced the fact that our child would come from her gift.

Yes, I am still sad that Sattva won't be our donor. And of course, very grateful that we are able to do DE in the US where chances of success are so much greater. And I am seeking some form of connection with the donor, beyond accepting the embryos formed with her eggs into my uterus (how's that for connection).

So we will give her a name. And we will writer her a letter. I'm not sure we can have the clinic give it to her, or if it will be against their policy. We are hoping we can send her flowers on the day of retrieval. Do you think she will be able to know that we are deeply thankful?

penetrating

No, this is not a post about fifty shades of grey. I'm referring to needles.

I went back to Dr. Ninja last Friday. It was sweet to be back. I didn't get to see the good doctor, but saw his lovely protege. She stayed far from dogmatism in her approach and remained flexible when I expressed discomfort at taking the herbs (in tea form) at this stage in the cycle. The US clinic advises against it, and I want to follow their instructions at this point. She was a-ok with that and said we would focus on acupuncture. She also didn't lose her cool when I said that I had reduced coffee but still was having a little. I know that the clinic's approach is NO CAFFEINE. But even last time around I wasn't able to completely abide by that. I still had black tea and green tea through the DE cycle and the pregnancy. So, is 8 oz of coffee really going to obliterate my chances with this DE cycle. No. I'm pretty sure there is no evidence that it would.

It was good to get back to acupuncture. I felt very grounded by the treatment and it started my weekend off in the best possible frame of mind. Being back to Dr. Ninja's centre helped put me in the treatment cycle frame of mind. I feel like this is fully game on now.

It's funny the things we do and don't do while on a treatment cycle. What impact do they really have? Who the hell knows? It's groping in the dark, really. I mean, I have held back from downing a 40-oz bottle of vodka. I somehow think this omission can only work in my favour. But otherwise, it all feels so fucking random. At the end of the day, I can do what I think is right, given what I know, and trust that this is enough. And that's what I'm doing.

I've started the dele.strogen shots last week. I started the cycle strong with my first ever self-administrated IM shot in the rump. I felt like Xena, warrior princess. I highly recommend trying this at least once. I'm ready to take on those shots any day (and guess what? PIOs are starting next week. FUN!).

The donor is starting her stims on Friday, according to the schedule. I am aware every day that things could not unfold as planned, that it could be canceled, that the donor could pull out, that...But I am working with the facts. And the fact is, for now, that this cycle is in full swing.