put it in a box

Thank you for your lovely, supportive comments and emails on my last post. I wrote it soon after getting the phone call from my doctor and still felt pretty agitated by it. I've since been able to find a more calm place to live inside myself. Since then, life has been very busy and there has not been much time to write posts, emails, or anything else. I had my second licensing exam last Monday and crossing my fingers that I passed. It is next offered in March, which won't work for me at all. Work has picked up this fall, which is nice, but it does take away from my blogging.

In the day or two following my doctor's phone call, I discovered that I didn't have anything left in me to put into active worrying. It's like a charity I've given and given to, and who keeps coming back for more. This time when they were at my door, I simply had nothing left to give. The first trimester and the SCH took it out of me, and now I can't do it. I can't spend my days and nights worrying about something that may or may not be real, something that may or may not be terrible.

So I put the information in a box.

Compartmentalization is traditionally known as a defense mechanism. When it is overused, it's not very healthy for the person. For example, if there are parts of you that you really can't stand and you keep putting those in a box, cutting off your awareness and the possibility of integration of all your parts (the ones you like and the ones you don't like), you are likely to get into some trouble, psychologically speaking. It takes a lot of effort to keep all those parts you don't like in a box, and that takes its toll on your functioning. You also might not come across as genuine to others. However, compartmentalization can also be thought of as a very useful, adaptive process. For example, if you're trying to get through a big project at work, and your job is hanging in the balance, it's probably a good thing that you are able put out of your mind the fact that you've had a fight with your spouse.

At this point, worrying about a shadow would be just that: worrying about a shadow. Of course it could mean all sorts of nasty things, but it could also be nothing. I'm sure that if it turns out to be something, I will do a great job worrying and fretting. But I'll leave that for the future, if that's even needed.

For now, I'm busy looking into strollers and wondering which cloth diapers we'll use. I'm also looking ahead at our first OB appointment on Friday. And I'm also in awe that tomorrow marks the start of week 17. Week 17???? How did that even happen?