Seventy-five percent

Thank you very much for your comments. Each and everyone of your comments meant so much to me. As my posts have become more infrequent, I am surprises to get any comments at all. But I should give you more credit than that. You are some of the finest women I know, and I shouldn't be surprised that you are still there, still offering me life giving support. Thank you.

Tomorrow, I start the last week at my job in FTT. I have 5 more reports to write, and will find a way to get those written and signed. I had about 20 to write at the end of September, so I am 75% there.

75% is the theme, this week. I visited my beloved therapist last Wednesday. I was explaining to him that people ask about my new job and want to know if I'm excited. I disappoint them invariably. I am not excited. Mr. A and I are going on vacation next week to a tropical place. Again, people search for my excitement. I just can't deliver. That's not at all how I feel about the job, about the vacation.

75% of your experiences right now have to do with grief, he said.

Yes, that's right. About 75% of what I have is spent managing my grief. Most of the rest is on wrapping up my current job, and all that that entails. He wondered if maybe there was about 3% leftover to think of my next job. And maybe another 1-2% for the vacation. He's good with math, my therapist.

I am lucky to have a job right now, lucky to be going to another job when this one ends. I am lucky to be able to have the money to go on vacation. I am lucky to have a car, a roof over my head, food on the table. I try to hold on to that.

Just don't ask me to feel excited.

I am looking forward to alternating between doing nothing and reading a book on my week off. We are going to one of those all-inclusive resorts. Not really our usual type of vacation. We would typically go canoeing, hiking, cross-country skiing, or visit a big city and walk around until our feet hurt and we've gotten a lay of the land. But we're exhausted. So sitting on a beach and having all of our meals and as many drinks as it's going to take to stop feeling so crappy is what the doctor ordered.

Oh, and I guess having all that time just lazing around will give us a chance to talk. For example, about whether he still wants to have children or not. I was hoping we could do that kind of talking before the vacation so we could enjoy ourselves there, but I'm not sure we'll have the time to do that before. Life keeps going at a furious pace. We are at a standstill with that issue. I know that we need to talk, but there doesn't seem to be a good time. Oat suggested writing to him, which is a great idea. It's just that my thoughts have a hard time coming together (...after 10-11 hours of writing reports about small children with very complex mental health problems). I still need to bring it up, so that we can move forward one way or another.

I need to be strong.

I just fear what could potentially come out of such a discussion.