chewing my nails

Hey, my nails are free of wheat, dairy and kidney beans. So I can chew on them, rest assured.

Ok, our appointment is Friday and I am nervous. If you haven't noticed yet, I'm an anxious little owl, and I am experiencing the prospect of our appointment on Friday as an 8 or 9 on the anxiety scale. Just to remind you: It is the appointment in which Mr. August, our lovely donor and I pile into the car and go visit the good doctor to talk about her eggs, with his sperm, in my womb.

I did not have a very good sleep last night. Mr. August was up with a sore throat, and each time I woke up, I found myself in that intensely irrational 4 o'clock in the morning place where fears are all of a sudden de facto realities. Can you see where I'm going? Yes, at 4 in the morning, I decided that our donor had backed out. I carried on thinking that all day, if you can imagine. I was making plans for calling the clinic to tell them to cancel the appointment (and the sonohysterogram. pity). I practiced what I would say to her so that she could feel ok with having to tell us this news. Like a strong and wild dog with me at the end of its leash, I let my fears spin me around the park a few times.

I wrote to our donor to make arrangements for Friday and even asked in my email "are you still up for this?" Which was met with "Of course, I'm still up for this!"

Yes, I must grab hold of myself and walk forward. Of course there will be fear, anxiety, worry, but who knows, I may get to excitement, anticipation, and effervescence even? I guess I won't know if I don't keep going.